The Back Row Hooligans

Children's Music (But Not As We Know It)

2011-11-11T04:40:00.000-08:00

Get a link to download a zip file of the full album in high quality mp3 format (iTunes-ready!) for just $4.99!

The Back Row Hooligans' debut album of "children's music for really well-adjusted kids" is here! Featuring 13 funny songs by author Adam Selzer. Click for lyrics:

The Burning of the School

Uncle Herbert's Extra Rowdy Funeral

My Aunt Judith Smokes

Pirates Always Cheat at Bingo

Stay Out of the Toilet!

The Old Woman Who Drank Old Milk

Straight Outta Daycare

Drink Your Juice (Or You'll Get Scurvy)

Things Were Cheap in Grandpa's Day

The Three Bean Casserole War

Song to a Bratty Sister

The Mysterious Midnight Accordionist

Heavy Metal Vomit Christmas Party

Preview all songs in the sidebar on your right!

Pirates Always Cheat at Bingo

2011-11-11T04:35:00.000-08:00

I had to go with grandma to bingo night last week

at a place out on the highway that I don’t mind saying reeks

the ladies there wear too much lipstick, and every last one smokes

I’m always scared that any minute, one of them will croak

but imagine my surprise when we got to the parking lot

and right beside her old sedan, a pirate ship was docked!

Real live pirates! Wow! I could not believe my eyes!

But grandma only groaned, and told me with a sigh

“pirates always cheat at bingo”

every week, it’s the same darn think you know

the pirates always cheat at bingo

then sail off with the winning,s singing yo ho ho!

We sat down with some ladies who had really nasty breath

while the pirates shouted noisily about bloody guts and death

“I really wish they’d go away,” said a woman to my right

“every week the bingo game turns into a fight

I used to be a fighter, too, back in my younger days

but now, of course I’m satisfied to just come here and play!

Plus, they all smell terrible, and you all know that’s true”

And as the game began I very nearly told her “so do you!”

chorus

And so the game got started, we stared at our bingo cards

and every time they called a number, the pirates would go “YARR!”

one walked up to the caller, and said “hey, listen, Hank!

If the next one’s not 0-64, you’re gonna walk the plank!”

And so he called “0-64!” and the pirates yelled and cheered

and the meanest pirate of them all said “I have a bingo here!”

but then I looked down at my card, and I swear to you it’s true

I stood up and bravely said “I have a bingo, too!”

chorus

I was afraid the pirates were going to be sore

but it turned out no one else had ever tied with them before

They shouted to me “yar! congrats, ye scurvy scalawag!

you really ought to come and sail beneath a pirate flag!”

They offered me an eyepatch and really sweet tattoo

and all the candy I could eat if I would join their crew

I said “sure! I can’t wait to go! This will be so cool!”

So I was out with them. That’s why I’m late for school!

chorus

Stay Out of the Toilet!

2011-11-11T04:33:00.000-08:00

I flushed myself down the toilet last night

looking back I must admit that asn't very bright

my brother said a monkey was living there but then

I wound up seeing things I never wanna see again

Stay out of the toilet! you better just beware

there's nothing anyone would ever wanna see down there

no matter what your brother says, if you don't wan a drown

you got to stay out of the toilet, don't flush yourself down!

When you're brother tells you something, you gotta think twice

it's true there was a monkey, but he wasn't very nice

There could be one at your house, you should probably check and see

but if you drown or start to puke, don't come running to me

I told you…

Stay out of the toilet! you better just beware

there's nothing anyone would ever wanna see down there

no matter what your brother says, if you don't wan a drown

you got to stay out of the toilet, don't flush yourself down!

Stay out of the toilet! you better just beware

there's nothing anyone would ever wanna see down there

everyone loves monkeys, but if you don't wan a drown

you got to stay out of the toilet, don't flush yourself down!

The Old Woman Who Drank Old Milk

2011-11-11T04:29:00.001-08:00

There was an old lady who drank old milk (ew, ew, ew)

She kept it underneath her bed (ew, ew, ew)

it turned all yellow, it turned all sour (ew, ew, ew)

it started turning into cheese (ew, ew, ew)

She poured it in a dirty glass (ew, ew, ew)

and mixed it up with pickle juice (ew, ew, ew)

and then she added pepper, too (ew, ew, ew)

she blended it with three raw eggs (ew, ew, ew)

and put it in the microwave (ew, ew, ew)

it made her house smell just like feet (ew, ew, ew)

that someone rubbed against a butt (ew, ew, ew)

she stirred and let it cool a bit (ew, ew, ew)

she took one sip and BLEECHHH! (ew, ew, ew)

Straight Outta Daycare

2011-11-11T04:28:00.000-08:00

Straight outta daycare - he's one and a half

but my brother's a tough fighter it’s true - don’t laugh

and all day long he gets hugged and kissed

by people who’ve forgotten I even exist

but they only think he’s a sweet little thing

cause they haven’t seen him in the babyfighting ring

that I’ll run in my basement in the middle of the night

place your bets as the babies fight

I’ll bet my brother can beat anyone anywhere

he’s one tough baby and he’s comin’ straight outta daycare

You don’t wanna mess now, because he’s the master

got a rattle full of rage, a diaper full of disaster

peek a boo boo baby’s fighting and lean

mom and dad would never guess that he was so mean

but I’ll bet they won’t think that he’s so sweet

when they see him beat up every other baby on the street

rat a tat a tat like that

never hesitate to put a baby to his back

he’ll be the other babies’ worst nightmare

he’s already mine, and he’s comin’ straight outta daycare

Share my toys? Oh come on mommy!

What do I look like to you, commie?

I know you say you still love me just as much as him

but do you really think that I'm that dim?

No, I'm smart, I'll make the other kids pay me

watching him knock babies out the box daily

weekly and months and yearly

til grandma sees him fight, and then she'll say "dear me!

I thought that he was sweet, but was I wrong there!"

He's a punk with a teething grill, coming straight outta daycare

Drink Your Juice (Or You'll Get Scurvy)

2011-11-11T04:26:00.000-08:00

I once knew a girl named emily murphy who would not drink her juice

She always told her mother "I can't STAND the taste of fruits!

But one day these big purple spots appeared on Emily's sides

she started losing all her teeth and very nearly died!

so DRINK YOUR JUICE or you'll get scurvy

DRINK YOUR JUICE like emily murphy

DRINK YOU JUICE or you'll get scurvy, kids!

You see scurvy's a disease you get from a lack of vitamin C

sailors and pirates used to get it when they were out at sea

Your gums start turning spongy, and pretty soon your skin

starts to turn all yellow and your eyes start caving in

so DRINK YOUR JUICE or you'll get scurvy

DRINK YOUR JUICE like emily murphy

DRINK YOU JUICE or you'll get scurvy, kids!

Things Were Cheap in Grandpa's Day

2011-11-11T04:23:00.001-08:00

Things were cheap in Grandpa Joe's day
he tells me all the time
movies cost only twenty-five cents
and popcorn was only a dime

if all that you had was half a buck
you could take a pretty girl on a date
everything was cheap in Grandpa Joe's day
and that includes Grandma Kate.

(c) 2007 by Adam Selzer, ASCAP

The Three Bean Casserole War

2011-11-11T04:21:00.000-08:00

They served a three bean casserole at lunchtime one day

and which three beans they were, well no one could say

but on that cold november, this one kid named tim

got angry at Mike, and threw a handful at him

and so began the nightmare I’ll never forget

That was the day of the three bean casserole war

there were three kinds of beans smeared on every last inch of the floor

it clung to the wall like the stickiest paste

it ruined your clothes and it stuck to your face

many good kids got messy in the three bean casserole war

Mike threw some back, and soon everyone else did too

and I grabbed some myself, for I didn't know what else to do

I was shorter than most kids in the next grade below me

but if you think that mattered, then man, you don't know me

I held my own, and came out nearly perfectly clean

I'm a decorated vet of the three bean casserole war

the food fight greater than any imagined before

one by one, I watched my comrades fall

but somehow my shirt didn't get stained at all

though I ruined my shoes in the three bean casserole war

when we ran out of cass’role to throw, the fight came to an end

having turned brother ‘gainst brother, and friend against friend

and they cleaned up the beans, and the gunk and the stains

but for several long weeks, a distinct smell remained

which just might have been even worse if we’d eaten the beans

Now every november, during our lunchtime at school

there are kids who remember, and some even say it was cool

they remember the glory of the messy campaign

they've forgotten the heartache, the stench and the pain

and that tim was still angry at mike - not a darn thing had changed

Have we learned nothing, from the three bean casserole war?

I swore on that day, that I'd never throw food anymore

but I hear my old comrades, I can’t help but sight

for the first graders hear them just bursting with pride

and I know that they dream of their own three bean casserole war

Oh, Remember, Remember, the Three Bean Casserole War

there were three kinds of beans smeared on every last inch of the floor

it clung to the wall like the stickiest paste

it ruined your clothes and it stuck to your face

many good kids got messy in the three bean casserole war

Song to a Bratty Sister

2011-11-11T04:19:00.000-08:00

I know you’ve been in my room again

because all my best stuff’s missing

and only you would make it so

my army men were kissing

They’re not dolls! They’re action figures!

they’re not supposed to act that way!

Mom and dad NEVER get mad at you

but you'd better what out cause one day

I’ll turn into a dinosaur

and youuuuuu’rrrrreeee

the first person I’ll eat!

When you grow up, you can be

whatever you want to be

and I’m gonna be a giant lizard!

that’s the life for me!

If a brontosaurus had a bratty sister

she’d probably just get stomped

but I’m gonna be a tyranosaurus

and you’re going to get CHOMPED!

I’ll turn into a dinosaur

and youuuuuu’rrrrreeee

the first person I’ll eat!

You’ll be putting my teddy bear

into girly clothes

and I’ll chomp right through you (and I’ll bet

you turn out to be GROSS!)

I’ll turn into a dinosaur

and youuuuuu’rrrrreeee

the first person I’ll eat!

The Mysterious Midnight Accordionist (Who Got the Security Guards Fired)

2011-11-11T04:17:00.000-08:00

I wrote this during biology class in 1998. I was imagining a guy sitting in the schoolyard, playing an accordion in the middle of the night. The guards would come and get all freaked out, but they'd freeze in place standing there watching him, but he'd be getting enough of a workout playing the accordion that he'd stay warm. Then once they'd frozen solid, he'd leave without a trace, leaving them with a bizarre story that their bosses won't believe when they don't get their work done.

The school yard cops and midnight crew were frightened by the sound

they found in him the darkened courtyard sitting on the ground

sitting with his face curled into a hollow, vacant smile

playing an accordion with European style

The wind was crisp and bitter

to carry the music away

they said "you'd better leave"

and he said "no, I think I'll stay"

For a momment, they just stood there frightened and confused
should they get much closer? how much caution should they use?
and he just kept on playing quite untouch-ed by their stares
went into an irish ballad with italian flair
the notes were clear and hollow
eerie in a haunting way
they said….

His strange smile made them nervous and their minds began to race
they knew they'd seen him somewhere but they couldn't place the face
the night was getting very cold, they soon began to freeze
and he continued playing, no apparent lack of ease
the minutes turned to hours
the night turned into day
they said….

When the sun had risen they had frozen in their place
but the strange young man of whom they spoke was gone without a trace
your story sounds suspicious
is what the people say
we said "you'd better leave"
and he said "no, I'd better stay"

(c) 1998 by Adam Selzer, ASCAP

Heavy Metal Vomit Christmas Party

2011-11-11T04:12:00.000-08:00

Christmas with the family, my wife and kids are here

the fire is warm, oh what more could I want?

but there's something missing, I'm tugging at the strings

of my sweater, which has reindeer on the front

they're fuzzy in their splendor, but don't bring back the glow

that christmas with my family brought me all those years ago

so can we have a heavy metal vomit christmas party please?

if no one pukes, it doesn't feel like christmas time to me

You'd better not cry, you'd better not pout I'm getting my Dokken tapes back out

let's get a mosh pit going all around the christmas tree

sugarplum fairies wear boots

Every year my cousins would dub each others tapes

as we played them on my grandma's stereo

we'd beat up on my brother, and act like youth gone wild

burning things, and making demons in the snow

One year cousin Larry bashed my skull into the wall

I'm bleeding in the shots of me with santa at the mall

oh can we have a heavy metal vomit christmas party please

the smell of vodka makes it feel like christmas time to me

when the grown-up table began to pray, the kids table knocked the night away

shouting at the devil all around the christmas tree

Oh, we were FUN at the christmas pageant. My cousin gladys, who was the angel of the lord, threw horns while my cousins, who were the wise men set fire to the manger and chanted "true norweigian black metal!" We're not welcome at church anymore, but the memories last a lifetime. I want to share that with my kids, honey!

I believe we need a heavy metal vomit christmas party please

I want my kids to know what what feels like christmas time to me

heedless of the wind and weather, let's all shout "no life til leather!"

I sold my soul for rock and roll around the christmas tree

Hey, let's sing some of my favorite Christmas songs! Like, "Glumpy the Elf Who Sawed His Leg Off." Or "Megadeth is Coming to Town." Or "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - with the ORIGINAL lyrics that Judy Garland thought were too depressing and mean-spirited! Gosh! I love Christmas!

My Aunt Judith Smokes

2011-11-11T04:07:00.000-08:00

spoken: "So there's this rock band in my neighborhood, Scapegoat. Scapegoat is absolutely the worst kids in the whole history of the world. They lie and cheat and steal and kill people and hit little kids and cuss their teachers and take the name of the Lord in vain. But I'd rather hang around their garage than go to my Aunt Judith's apartment. Because at least they don't smoke!"

My Aunt Judith smokes, in fact it’s all she ever does

My mom says she’s a bum, and that’s all she ever was

She watches bad TV all day, and smokes pack after pack

I went to her house one time, and I’m not going back

My aunt Judith could kill you with her breath

one of these days, she’s gonna smoke herself to death

her teeth are always yellow, her fingers always stained

her voice sounds like a duck that’s in an awful lot of pain

when she says “hey, sis, loan me ten bucks” (you see, she’s always broke)

she can’t afford to buy much food, it costs too much to smoke

My aunt Judith could kill you with her break

one of these days, she’s gonna smoke herself to death

Last night aunt judith went to bed when she was tired

and her cigarette caught on the bed and set the place on fire

but even at the end, she just had to smoke some more

the firemen said that smoke was rising up from every pore!

My aunt Judith has breathed her last breath

I always knew that one day, she’d smoke herself to death!

Uncle Herbert's Extra-Rowdy Funeral

2011-11-11T04:04:00.000-08:00

Uncle Herbert died and the funeral was last night

None of us had ever seen such an awful sight

As when cousin joe and cousin larry came to blows

Over which of them would get the seats in thr front row

Uncle Herbert never was a really peaceful type

I guess we had him go out just the way he lived his life!

Chorus:

We all had a great time despite all of the fights

At Uncle Herbert’s Extra-Rowdy funeral last night

Some guy was selling hot dogs, some guy was selling coke

Some guy was taking bets on whether Larry would kill Joe

They were really fighting, and commenced to throwing chairs

Fighting over front seats that now weren’t even there

And one of the flying chairs hit Herbert in the head

Left a nasty dent, but what did he care? He was dead!

The organist was boring, cousin Gladys took control

Beat her up, sat down and started playing “Heart and Soul”

Grandpa Joseph’s eulogy was just a string of swears

The preacher ran off screaming, but no one seemed to care

Uncle Paddy sat in back and said “For heaven’s sake!

I haven’t had this much fun since Tim Finnegan’s wake!”

The color commentator said “The moon is bright and full

All in all a beautiful day for a funeral

The widow’s sitting in the corner, trying not to cry

Some unrelated gothic girl is giving Herb the eye

Cousin Joe is punching Cousin Larry in the face

And the corpse is decomposing at a world record pace!”

The fight kept going all night, til the cops showed up at five

We’re all banned from the funeral home as long as we’re alive

Some of us are jailbirds now, to Christmas we can’t come

Cousin Joe told Cousin Larry “See you at Thanksgiving, chum!”

I know that I’ll die some day and I hope that when I do

The family will give me an extra-rowdy funeral too!

The Burning of the School (Glory, Glory!)

2011-11-11T03:56:00.000-08:00

A six verse version of a traditional schoolyard song:

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school

we have trampled all the teachers and we've broken every rule

the principal we cheated in a game of dirty pool

our school is burning down

We hacked the school computer and erased our failing grades

We slashed at all the spelling books with rusty razor blades

And threw all that was left onto the bonfire that we made

our school is burning down

We pelted all the recess aides with bouncy rubber balls

and took three cans of gasoline with which we decked the halls

and they we played with matches and set fire to them all

our school is burning down

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

Our school is burning down!

The records that they had on us were only dirty lies

We never made explosives from the janitor's supplies

at least not til this morning, now imagine their suprise!

our school is burning down

The fire alarms are blaring now, and this is not a drill

if you haven't heard our story yet, we guarantee you will

we're the ones who turned the gym into a charcoal grill

our school is burning down

The hopscotch court's the only way that anyone can tell

the school was ever standing here, we did our job so well

and now the hopscotch players can hop all the way to hell

our school is burning down

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

Our school is burning down!

Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

Our school is burning down!