My Aunt Judith Smokes

spoken: "So there's this rock band in my neighborhood, Scapegoat. Scapegoat is absolutely the worst kids in the whole history of the world. They lie and cheat and steal and kill people and hit little kids and cuss their teachers and take the name of the Lord in vain. But I'd rather hang around their garage than go to my Aunt Judith's apartment. Because at least they don't smoke!"

My Aunt Judith smokes, in fact it’s all she ever does

My mom says she’s a bum, and that’s all she ever was

She watches bad TV all day, and smokes pack after pack

I went to her house one time, and I’m not going back

My aunt Judith could kill you with her breath

one of these days, she’s gonna smoke herself to death

her teeth are always yellow, her fingers always stained

her voice sounds like a duck that’s in an awful lot of pain

when she says “hey, sis, loan me ten bucks” (you see, she’s always broke)

she can’t afford to buy much food, it costs too much to smoke

My aunt Judith could kill you with her break

one of these days, she’s gonna smoke herself to death

Last night aunt judith went to bed when she was tired

and her cigarette caught on the bed and set the place on fire

but even at the end, she just had to smoke some more

the firemen said that smoke was rising up from every pore!

My aunt Judith has breathed her last breath

I always knew that one day, she’d smoke herself to death!

(c) 2006 by Adam Selzer, ASCAP