Pirates Always Cheat at Bingo

I had to go with grandma to bingo night last week

at a place out on the highway that I don’t mind saying reeks

the ladies there wear too much lipstick, and every last one smokes

I’m always scared that any minute, one of them will croak

but imagine my surprise when we got to the parking lot

and right beside her old sedan, a pirate ship was docked!

Real live pirates! Wow! I could not believe my eyes!

But grandma only groaned, and told me with a sigh

“pirates always cheat at bingo”

every week, it’s the same darn think you know

the pirates always cheat at bingo

then sail off with the winning,s singing yo ho ho!

We sat down with some ladies who had really nasty breath

while the pirates shouted noisily about bloody guts and death

“I really wish they’d go away,” said a woman to my right

“every week the bingo game turns into a fight

I used to be a fighter, too, back in my younger days

but now, of course I’m satisfied to just come here and play!

Plus, they all smell terrible, and you all know that’s true”

And as the game began I very nearly told her “so do you!”

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And so the game got started, we stared at our bingo cards

and every time they called a number, the pirates would go “YARR!”

one walked up to the caller, and said “hey, listen, Hank!

If the next one’s not 0-64, you’re gonna walk the plank!”

And so he called “0-64!” and the pirates yelled and cheered

and the meanest pirate of them all said “I have a bingo here!”

but then I looked down at my card, and I swear to you it’s true

I stood up and bravely said “I have a bingo, too!”

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I was afraid the pirates were going to be sore

but it turned out no one else had ever tied with them before

They shouted to me “yar! congrats, ye scurvy scalawag!

you really ought to come and sail beneath a pirate flag!”

They offered me an eyepatch and really sweet tattoo

and all the candy I could eat if I would join their crew

I said “sure! I can’t wait to go! This will be so cool!”

So I was out with them. That’s why I’m late for school!

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(c) 2007 by Adam Selzer. ASCAP