Friday, November 11, 2011

Uncle Herbert's Extra-Rowdy Funeral

Uncle Herbert died and the funeral was last night
None of us had ever seen such an awful sight
As when cousin joe and cousin larry came to blows
Over which of them would get the seats in thr front row
Uncle Herbert never was a really peaceful type
I guess we had him go out just the way he lived his life!

We all had a great time despite all of the fights
At Uncle Herbert’s Extra-Rowdy funeral last night

Some guy was selling hot dogs, some guy was selling coke
Some guy was taking bets on whether Larry would kill Joe
They were really fighting, and commenced to throwing chairs
Fighting over front seats that now weren’t even there
And one of the flying chairs hit Herbert in the head
Left a nasty dent, but what did he care? He was dead!

The organist was boring, cousin Gladys took control
Beat her up, sat down and started playing “Heart and Soul”
Grandpa Joseph’s eulogy was just a string of swears
The preacher ran off screaming, but no one seemed to care
Uncle Paddy sat in back and said “For heaven’s sake!
I haven’t had this much fun since Tim Finnegan’s wake!”

The color commentator said “The moon is bright and full
All in all a beautiful day for a funeral
The widow’s sitting in the corner, trying not to cry
Some unrelated gothic girl is giving Herb the eye
Cousin Joe is punching Cousin Larry in the face
And the corpse is decomposing at a world record pace!”

The fight kept going all night, til the cops showed up at five
We’re all banned from the funeral home as long as we’re alive
Some of us are jailbirds now, to Christmas we can’t come
Cousin Joe told Cousin Larry “See you at Thanksgiving, chum!”
I know that I’ll die some day and I hope that when I do
The family will give me an extra-rowdy funeral too!

(c) 2000 by Adam Selzer, ASCAP

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